It had happened again. Senor Villainito was threatening to blow up part of our town, Fredricktonfieldville, again. He did that almost weekly and it made my job as Fredricktonfieldville’s only firefighter, (Don’t ask why. It is a very long story.), extremely difficult. You see, every time he threatened our town, I had to drive Bessie, our fire truck, to where ever Senor Villainito decided to “blow up” and wait there until he decided to leave. Sr. Villianito never blew anything up; he would just stand around and talk for hours. I know because I am always there, sitting in Bessie and listening to him ramble on and on about how awful his “plan” is and how he is going to take over the world. It is not fun. Especially when you take into account his terrible Spanish accent and the stench he always seems to emit. I would have to say that he smells remarkably like butt. No joke, the man smells like butt. I have had many hours to contemplate the exact odor of this putrid man and “butt” was the best thing I could come up with. However, rotting manure and essence of dung beetle were close seconds though.
His accent is that of a cheap white actor attempting to play a Mexican thug in a B-list movie. It is almost painful to listen to. Senor Villianito isn’t even Spanish (or Mexican) and why he chose that type of accent is totally beyond me. I think he is actually from Europe somewhere, but I’m not sure. So he threatens and rambles forever as it seems, but that isn’t even the worst part.
Senor Villainito has a passion for wearing extremely ugly clothing that doesn’t match. Last time he threatened us he was wearing a violet hat, the type with a large floppy brim, an orange ruffled shirt, plaid breeches, and clear plastic chest-high waders. And these weren’t your ordinary clear plastic chest-high waders either. Nope. These waders had large blue candy cane stripes on them and the feet looked as if they had been stuck in paint cans. So being around him was torture for the senses. Mine are now dulled to the point that I do not cringe every time I look at him.
When I got the call from Chrondricthyes Deli that Senor Villainito was outside with a detonator, I immediately slipped into my big firefighter’s coat, slid on my boots and grabbed my lunch from where it sat on my desk. Then I rounded up Bessie and headed for the deli.